My Life as a Christian.

It was a bit on and off, my Christianity thing, First of all I was five and sent to a Protestant School. But only cos it was the nearest school. Apart from the Catholic school (I suppose they were full-up). My parents were a-religious types, coming themselves from a mix of Catholic/Protestant/Jewish/Hindu, and bleeding Zoroastrianism . Though my mum had an interest in Christian-theology - mainly derived from her obsession with the paintings of da Vinci - all them secret-codes and such (now so very popular - everyone pointing their fingers at everyone else). She used to enjoy chats with the local vicar about these. Then she had her 'vision': She was visited by Christ-no-less, who more-or-less told her that Judas was the true martyr in the equation, as Jesus had merely given-up his physical- life for humankind's salvation, where as Judas had consigned his very soul to hell for the cause - or some such ( It is worth mentioning that my dear old ma used to also spend hours arranging tea-towels on her arms in a way that would be perfectly symmetric as this would defy gravity and she would levitate). Anyway, she shared her experience with this local vicar, over tea, who was very intrigued and suggested a special meeting at the church. When she turned up, there was about 12 of them waving crucifixes and chanting 'THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELLS THEE!' - so that was the end of that.

Anyway, for whatever reason it didn't occur to either my mum or dad to brief me on the basics before sending me to Jesus-School. I was told-off during the Lord's Prayer as it confused me as I had no Idea that all our dads were doing 'art' in Devon or why everyone was kneeling and putting their hands together all of a sudden. That was Day 1. Then they didn't like my drawing which they misinterpreted as Jesus and all the angels perishing in Hellfire whilst Satan looked on laughing. It was a drawing I did right out of the bible, and they just misunderstood the symbolism.

Well Protestant school didn't do much for my spiritual-indoctrination. Then when I was about 9 I met a kid in the park. He told me that he had had a terminal spinal-condition and then he'd prayed to God and had levitated in a 'golden light' and was healed. That sounded pretty cool. For further information he obligingly pointed his Dad out to me who was this comb-over in an anorak handing out leaflets... I read the bible and prayed at night. I prayed for a terminal spine-condition so I too could levitate in the golden light (when all I needed was two identical tea-towels, obviously). It occurred to me that my prayers were selfish, and that in the eyes of God the Almighty my soul was naked and I must therefore only pray for worthy, selfless things of the empathetic and spiritually integral... But underneath everything there seemed always be some subtle layer of self-interest. The impurity of my soul went right down to the marrow. I was a hopeless case. I would never develop multiple-sclerosis at this rate. Then, obviously, I discovered masturbation and drugs and It all went sideways from there.... But I'm sure Jesus was a very interesting fellow, despite his bad hair